Spring Cleaning

This past weekend I spent time clearing things out.

Considering the last post and my lack of energy, I knew something had to change.

This is what came out of me today.

Sucking

I don't like to dwell on what I suck at.  I have spent enough of my life already doing that.  But it creeps back from time to time, the niggling doubts and insecurities to question everything I do.

Looking at it in the face, what I generally feel I suck at in art is drawing.  Drawing representationally to be specific.  I tell myself that I'm not good at drawing, I can't draw things.  I'm afraid of trying to draw and failing, so I don't.  And because I don't draw, I don't get any better at it.

Why has this come up now?

Because of taiko.  Taiko continues to inform me about my art, and vice versa.  Yesterday, I had a fue (bamboo flute) lesson.  I have been playing for several years, with limited instruction.  I realized yesterday, "I have improved."  Minimally, I will add.  But improvement nonetheless.  Because I continue to play.  And I continue to try. 

I've seen taiko players give up trying to improve.  Like me and drawing, we put ourselves in a box and say, "That's not my thing.  I will never be like ____."  And maybe we are too embarrassed to try and fail.  So we stick to what we know.  I've seen other taiko players try and try.  And they do improve, sometimes in very small increments.  I admire that.

So here goes.  I want to get better at drawing and relearning that skill that I once thought I had, many years ago.

I'm going to make some sucky art and be embarrassed.  And ok with it.

Drawing number 1 - trying to draw what I see in the mirror.

Drawing number 2 - drawing by "feel" and "pleasure," what I feel most comfortable doing.  This means going where my hands and pencil wants to go.

Drawing number 3 - drawing without looking at what I'm drawing.

I think the last one looks and feels the most like me.

I want to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees.

I want to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees.

(- Pablo Neruda, part of Every Day You Play in Twenty Love Poems and a Song of Despair)

Warming Up

It always take time for me to get warmed up, whether it's when I'm playing taiko or creating art.


I finally finished my Sketchbook today! I'm so happy. But looking through it, I can see that I started to like the drawings about halfway into it when they started to draw themselves. I admit, I did have help for those ones - Adam provided some doodles and lines as my "launchpad."


It always takes time to get used to the feel of the pens and pencils because they respond to each type of paper differently. It also takes time to let go and just draw and not think about what other people will "see" in the end. This is what the sketchbook is for! It is for failure. And getting warmed up.

"Try again. Fail again. Fail better." - Samuel Beckett

Failure isn't necessarily a bad thing. Fear of failure is worse.

Sick

And have really nothing to say. My body and brain are tired with just enough energy for doodling with pens.






Halfway through the sketchbook with less than 2 weeks to go. What should I draw next?

Chance as a Working Process

I've been reading about "Chance as a working process." Try this sometime... Draw a picture of yourself or someone else, but don't look at your picture as you are drawing it. You might want to put another piece of paper on top of your drawing hand. Concentrate on the major lines of the face and really look at the features - the eyes, nose, lips, ears.

Ok, I didn't do this drawing entirely like this, but once I got the Chance Outline down, I filled in with what I know, which is shading and defining the texture and lines.

Try this with taiko too... Have someone give you your first 8 counts of your solo and then let go... After you have that "launch pad," fill in the rest with what your body does with that.

I'm still working on the Sketchbook Project. Only one month left!

Portraits

PJ, 1993

Wendy, circa 2001

Waggie, 2002

Mikiko-obachan, 2002

Self Portrait, 2001

Self Portrait, circa 1996

Mom, circa 1996

Jeremy, 2002

Journals

In my twenties I filled many pages of notebooks. A lot of angst in there. Nowadays I still journal from time to time, but nowhere near as often. I did figure out that I wrote mostly when I was troubled and unhappy, so I guess I am pretty happy these days. Sometimes I regret that I don't have as much creative "juice" as I did then, but I really don't care to go back to those days. I still have things and people to inspire me. It's a different kind of inspiration now.


People inspire me. People are so interesting! I like to draw people in my life. I really enjoy looking at faces. (Your face might end up in my notebook...)Also liked to draw things and words together. A tree up in Armstrong Redwoods, where I lived when I first moved to California (up in the mountains) With words from one of my favourite poets... Words I needed in those days.

Stand tall
Let your
Self
Be your
Sheild.
Never look back,
There is
Nothing
Worse than that.
Stumble, if you must.
Crawl on
Knees and Wings,
But
Always Continue forward.

Your eyes told me of your hidden pain,
I hope you don't mind.
Don't worry, though,
We all have them.
Mine is here,
On this page,
Between these lines,
On the
Other side
Of
This
Black ink.

(Untitled Poem, by David Wagner)