Sucking

I don't like to dwell on what I suck at.  I have spent enough of my life already doing that.  But it creeps back from time to time, the niggling doubts and insecurities to question everything I do.

Looking at it in the face, what I generally feel I suck at in art is drawing.  Drawing representationally to be specific.  I tell myself that I'm not good at drawing, I can't draw things.  I'm afraid of trying to draw and failing, so I don't.  And because I don't draw, I don't get any better at it.

Why has this come up now?

Because of taiko.  Taiko continues to inform me about my art, and vice versa.  Yesterday, I had a fue (bamboo flute) lesson.  I have been playing for several years, with limited instruction.  I realized yesterday, "I have improved."  Minimally, I will add.  But improvement nonetheless.  Because I continue to play.  And I continue to try. 

I've seen taiko players give up trying to improve.  Like me and drawing, we put ourselves in a box and say, "That's not my thing.  I will never be like ____."  And maybe we are too embarrassed to try and fail.  So we stick to what we know.  I've seen other taiko players try and try.  And they do improve, sometimes in very small increments.  I admire that.

So here goes.  I want to get better at drawing and relearning that skill that I once thought I had, many years ago.

I'm going to make some sucky art and be embarrassed.  And ok with it.

Drawing number 1 - trying to draw what I see in the mirror.

Drawing number 2 - drawing by "feel" and "pleasure," what I feel most comfortable doing.  This means going where my hands and pencil wants to go.

Drawing number 3 - drawing without looking at what I'm drawing.

I think the last one looks and feels the most like me.